In light of some of this week's headlines, this seems relevant: facebook post from May 18, 2017

What I am about to share is very personal and terribly embarrassing, for many reasons. However, in the light of the apparent suicide of a very talented, very successful musician and the strange glamor, unintentional or not, that "13 reasons why" is giving to suicide, I'm going to risk sharing too much.

I take a tremendous amount of pride in my ability to do my job, which involves public speaking. I am very comfortable speaking to audiences of more than 200 people or groups of 2 or 3 executives. I don't have to be told to lean in, speak up or stand my ground. I know not all opinions matter and that you cannot please all the people all the time. My confidence is one of my strongest assets.

Yesterday, I was wrapping up a very useful training that will definitely help me be even better at my job. The training was with more than a dozen other teammates from around the world, some of whom I'm very close with and work with often, some of whom I just met and/or do not get a chance to work with in a capacity where they can see how good I am at my job, but all of whom I like and respect and whose opinions matter to me.
The training was excellent. The opportunity to collaborate was fantastic. Yesterday, the second day of the 2 day training was something of a "proof of concept" day. We did group presentations in the morning that were critiqued and then we were given an opportunity to do them again in the afternoon to apply the suggestions and illustrate our ability to really utilize the concepts. The morning presentation went well, though I was uncharacteristically nervous--presenting to my peers always freaks me out a little bit.
So I was determined to be flawless in the second presentation. It was only about 90 seconds and two slides worth of content. It wasn't hard. I had wordsmithed my portion to use the best, most impactful word choices. I rehearsed it, over and over, trying to get the phrases exactly right and perfectly timed.
And then when It was my turn to deliver the closing to our group effort. I totally fouled up. I mean, horribly. I not only forgot my perfectly worded script--that I wrote, I forgot the gist of what I meant to say. With my very talented peers watching, I did the equivalent of a bellyflop at a dive meet. I didn't just look like an amateur, I looked like a hopeless one, one that didn't deserve to be standing on the same platform as the rest. I wanted to disappear. Being de-pantsed in the middle of a school cafeteria in high school would have felt less humiliating and in this case, I was the only person I could blame.
My coworkers are wonderful and were sympathetic and kind and totally understanding. But I wanted to disappear. I could not have been more disappointed in myself.
I put on my professional mask and continued to participate In the training without bursting into tears or even sitting on the verge of them. I watched the rest of the group perform exceedingly well--better than their already good, morning performances. They all went from good to great. I was the only one who had floundered.
I knew this would be the only time more than half of these folks would ever see me present. I knew that my epic failure would be their only impression of my capabilities. And while I am not concerned about the opinions of everyone, as I mentioned, I like and respect all of these people and their opinions do matter to me. It weighed on me so heavily, it physically hurt.
After training, most of the group met for drinks at the hotel bar, before going to dinner. Even prior to my dreadful performance, I had planned to sit dinner out--I'd brought a nutrisystem dinner with me. I joined everyone for a drink and fun, silly and a tiny bit of work related conversation. Everyone was lovely to me. No one even mentioned my epic failure. But I could feel it all over me, uglier and messier than had I spilled an entire glass of tomato juice on a white t-shirt.
Even though my diet program was a valid, and my genuine, excuse to bow out of dinner, I couldn't help but wonder if they all thought that my shame was the reason.
They are all nice people and not gossipy so I didn't really expect that I was even a topic of conversation but I did imagine that if I crossed their minds, it would replay how terribly I'd performed.
Logically, I knew that messing up in a training environment, with no potential loss of a deal or a client, is definitely the place to mess up. But our success in our business is significantly contingent upon our reputation and I knew mine would not be good in the minds of some of these people, no matter how nice they are. I even felt that I had sorely let down the folks who know me well and know what I am capable of.
I wanted to die. Literally. It went through my head that it might be better if I died. If dying meant not having to live with knowing how many people whose opinions I valued saw me fail so badly, dying seemed like a pleasant alternative. Really. Death looked good. Please understand, at no time did I consider killing myself. But dying in my sleep sounded appealing.
Now, I'm not a morose person. I have never had suicidal tendencies. I do have a tendency to over analyze and replay my worst performances over and over in my head, especially when I only have myself to blame. And I played this day over and over and every time it looked and felt worse.
If I'd had an undo button life could have gone on happily but instead I'd left a lasting and humiliating impression on people who would not likely have a chance to ever see me present again.
So Death looked good.
But as keenly aware as I am that I couldn't undo my bad closing, I am also keenly aware there is no undo button for death. And leaving my, usually, good life, loving family, and friends would not be a reasonable trade for permanently escaping my painful embarrassment. Also, there's a very real chance by Monday, most of the people will have totally forgotten about it. It's silly of me to think I merit that kind of time in people's heads.
So ate my nutrisystem pizza (cold, because that was extra miserable) and allowed myself to feel rather pitiful and pathetic, and cry; then I showered and went to bed.
I won't say that I woke up having totally shaken my sense of shame and embarrassment but I faced a few of my fabulous teammates again to carpool to our worksite. I found an empty workstation and set to work on applying some of the excellent techniques I'd learned to the client presentation I had this afternoon. I'd even been able laugh when I confessed to my boss, how I'd bombed yesterday afternoon.
When my client demo came round, I had a cool new deck and new demo game plan, based on some of the good stuff I picked up in the training. I delivered an effective, engaging and well received presentation.
By the time I'd left for the airport, I was feeling really good. I called my husband close to the same time I'd called him the previous day but he talked to an entirely different version of me this afternoon than he had yesterday. Yesterday, I'd been on verge of tears, covered in embarrassment and ridiculously contemplating that death would have been welcome, and not a full 24 hours later, I was refreshed, excited and feeling really accomplished. Had I died in my sleep, which, last night, had seemed like would have been a merciful reprieve, I would have missed my chance to shine again.
I'm not prone to swings like this. I tend to be a bit nutty and short tempered when stressed, which is often, but I generally love my life and would rate myself as a reasonably happy person. Frequently stressed, but happy. I don't go straight to wanting to die when things don't go well for me.
That is why I thought I should share this. Because that thought can cross the minds of reasonably happy and emotionally stable and strong people. That thought can cross the minds of less emotionally or mentally healthy people.
But no matter what type of person is feeling so low, one needs to know that dark feeling is temporary. While it may last more than a day, it is temporary. It will pass. It will. Death, however, is not temporary. Death is permanent. It is not a fair trade for getting rid of shame, humiliation, hurt or failure. Very little is permanent so don't look for an option that is.
Those unpleasant, embarrassing and sad times will pass. The opportunity for something different, better, even great to replace those negative feelings only comes from continuing to move forward. There isn't always a quick fix or immediate change but positive things are out there waiting for you to arrive. So are more crappy ones. And more awesomely fabulous ones. So keep on keeping on.

True Facts about NutriSystem: Part 3 The food

Disclaimer:  I'm not a nutritional expert.  I am not a representative of NutriSystem and have not been compensated by them in any way.  I have had success with a this particular program and people have asked me about it and my journey so I figured I'd share a few things.

True Facts about NutriSystem, Part 3 :  The food.

I don't have an epicurean's palate, but I do consider myself a bit of a foodie.  I like some very fine foods, a lot.  That said, in full disclosure, I also totally love a pecan waffle from Waffle House and have elected to have my birthday dinner, while traveling for work, at a Sonic.  And sometimes, I'd rather have Kraft crud over any sort of good, properly prepared mac and cheese.  I like really good food, but I'm not super uppity, except when it comes to salad--iceberg lettuce is only suitable for tacos and burgers--it is not meant for salads.  Seriously.

Now, about the Nutrisystem food.

The breakfast food is probably the easiest to palette and get used to.  The bars are mostly adequate, some, even fairly good.  The cereal tastes like cereal, just in a ridiculously small, but actually proper proportion.  The muffins taste as good (as bad) as any prepackaged, long shelf life, muffin you'd get in a store.  The non-frozen cinnamon roll is better heated, but super tiny and tasted like it's very high in fiber.  The frozen cinnamon roll is much better--not amazing, but makes up for not getting the real thing.

Here are the ones I've tried.

The pictures aren't always to scale and often look better than real life.

The non-frozen cinnamon roll is smaller than a muffin--really about the size of one mini-roll you'd get 4 of from cinnamon.  The bagel is small, but reasonably filling.  The waffles, however are the size of Eggo Waffles.  The French Toast is about the size of a slice for Texas Toast.  Both are really really good.  I don't get the cereals anymore, but they aren't bad, just not portable enough.  The muffins and bars are really easy to grab and go.  If I'm going to bother with sitting down, the frozen breakfast options are better tasting and filling than the tiny servings of cereal.

The lunches vary from pretty dang good (the red beans and rice, and the white bean chicken chili) to all right (frozen burgers and frozen chicken sandwiches) to adequate and easy (the bars) to gross (pretty much all the ones that work like cup-o-soups).  My husband refers to the frozen burgers and chicken sandwiches as "sliders" because that is how big they are.

How it looks on the package

out of the package, uncooked

Cooked and side by side with a regular burger for scale (nutrisystem burger on the right)

As far as the bars go, the best thing about them is that they are so portable--easy to throw in your purse or backpack and have on hand when you go out running errands or are traveling for work.  They are, however, rather sweet.  I might prefer something that tastes less like a candy bar, but if I eat a raw salad first, then I can pretend it's dessert.
The red beans and rice is ready in 60 seconds and has really good flavor.  Not New Orleans Grande Mere delicious, but nice to eat.  My only complaint is the microscopic portion.  That's a 1/4 cup measure in the picture below.

The dinners are all over the place.  Again, the frozen ones are better than the non-frozen.  Many actually taste better than they look.  Most need some salt.  The Tuscan inspired pasta smells and tastes much better than it looks.

The non-frozen pizza and flat breads are okay.  The frozen pizzas are as good as any other frozen pizza, just smaller.

Here are a of the dinners that have good flavor and taking only 60 minutes to prepare, make them my favorites.

 
 

Last but not least, the snacks have a lot of good options, both savory and sweet.  The fudge brownies and faux oreos are not among them.  Those are gross.  The coconut almond bars are delicious--not almond joy delicious but similar flavor combination and a lot less guilt.  I like the walnut chocolate chip cookies but not the nut-free chocolate chip cookies.  The vanilla short bread are pretty good too.  However, the frozen treats are the best.  They actually look like their pictures and taste really, really good.  The brownie sundae is crazy good, but the portion is super small.

Great or merely adequate, the program food was key to my successful loss of 50 pounds.  The pictures below show me at the same event one year apart.  

Miss AmeriCASA 2016

Miss AmeriCASA 2017

True Facts about NutriSystem, Part 2 (the personal journey story)

Disclaimer:  I'm not a nutritional expert.  I am not a representative of NutriSystem and have not been compensated by them in any way.  I have had success with a this particular program and people have asked me about it and my journey so I figured I'd share a few things.

True Facts about NutriSystem, Part 2 :  my personal journey on the road to losing 50 pounds

I’m half a pound shy of reaching my goal of losing the 50 pounds I set for myself in February of this year.   I was going to wait until I reached 50 to write about the journey, but frankly, half a pound is more than what I fluctuate between morning and night, and it will go too, like all 49.5 of its friends.  I’ve got this. 

So where to begin?  How about how I decided to go with Nutrisystem to help me with my endeavor? Or perhaps my motivation?  Or both? 

I’d read once that a goal killer is to share your goal aloud.  So at the beginning of this year, I made a quiet promise to myself I was going to address my unhappiness in my own skin.  I had let busyness and inconvenience and Alabama pollen and weather, and pretty much any excuse I could come up with stop me from running, but I had not stopped eating like I was running regularly.  In fact I was eating in with such thoughtlessness, I packed on about 15 extra pounds in 2016, on top of the 35 I’d already needed to lose.  I was not in a good place healthwise and I didn’t look like me anymore.  I’d hit a point on the scale that I had never expected to see, in my life.  A number I hadn’t even reached when I was pregnant, though I did get close with my second pregnancy.    

I’ve thought quite a bit about whether or not to write the number on the scale publicly.  The number was an anathema to me, for me.  However, I know people who weigh the same as or more than that number, who are gorgeous and fabulous.  So I’m reticent to state the number lest they think I would pass the judgement I applied on myself on them.  I would not.  I do not.  How one feels about one’s weight and body is very personal and should not be up for contest or comparison.  Beauty is not a number on a scale and it comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes.  Yet, I also know that celebrities and other people in the public eye are not always honest about their weight and give lots of people the idea that the small numbers they claim are realistic, healthy and/or desirable.  So I’ve spent some time wondering whether or not it would be more responsible to share my start and end numbers just to give people a realistic point of measurement from a real person.  Honestly, I’m still struggling with this. 

Back to my decision to make a change.  I made my first, quiet decision at the start of the year, but I didn’t actually start right away.  I knew that a simple exercise plan was not going to cut it.  You cannot out exercise a bad diet.  I ate a lot of healthy foods, but I also ate a lot of crap.  And I’d opt for crap over healthy choices when crap was easier to access or might “feel good” in the moment.  Or I’d pair healthy choices with very poor ones.  On the road I’d get a nice salad from a grocery store but pair it with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and maybe a beer.  Really.  I’m not proud, but it did happen.  More than once.  I’d fallen into some very bad habits.  I’d never wanted my girls to see me “diet” but I was going to have to make a major change and a diet was in order. 

I researched several different diet plans to determine what would fit in my weird life. 

I knew from experience that the South Beach diet worked really well and the food was great.  I’d gone on the South Beach plan when our amazing fertility specialist in Reston diagnosed me with PCOS and told me it would help balance out my natural insulin levels and help me not only conceive but help me maintain a viable pregnancy.  He was right.  Totally worked.  I lost the weight, ate really well, conceived E and turned a high risk pregnancy into a healthy little ginger monkey.  The downside of South Beach is that my husband was not as big a fan of the food as I was.  Once our baby arrived, the idea of making separate meals for the two of us and feeding a wee one was not remotely appealing, so it fell by the wayside.  When I considered going back to it, the same barriers to success were there.  The reason the food is so good is that you do a lot of thoughtful shopping, measuring and prepping.  Doing that for myself at home, where my husband does the majority of the cooking and my kids are not partial to many of the interesting ingredients of South Beach food and would notice things that are missing from it.  Plus, South Beach acceptable ingredients are mostly perishable and with my travel schedule the chances of good food going to rot before use was significant, not to mention that I didn’t have the same kind of stores near me that I had the last time I was on South Beach.  I’m sure I could have made it work if I’d been seriously inclined, but I didn’t want the work.  I knew, if it wasn’t easy I would not do it.  If you like really delicious, gourmet, fresh and healthy food and have time and the inclination—I totally recommend South Beach diet.  After the first two weeks of cleansing your system which involves some painful limitations, the food options are very broad and recipes are wonderful.  If you lean toward lazy, as I do, unless you’re motivated like I was to conceive and have a viable pregnancy, it’ll be hard to stick to. 

I’d also had success with Weight Watchers online in 2005, prior to the my experience with South Beach, getting trimmed down to look good in a dress I loved, for one of my best friend’s wedding.  I liked that I could “earn” points by exercising or even doing certain types of housework.  The food options are really broad but you have to religious about recording your intake and your activities and you have to stick to your point allotment without fail to be successful.  Sticking to your point allotment requires, once again, lots of measuring, weighing, considering, preparing and even reading, doing math and the likelihood of having to prepare separate meals for the family.  None of that is hard, and the online apps for recording everything is easy to use.  It is a good program and I know people who have had great success with it, even maintaining their success for years.  However, it’s more work than I wanted to do now that I’m juggling marriage, two active girls’ schedules, a full time job with travel and numerous volunteer activities.  I could foresee failure before even starting.

I also checked out several other programs I’d not tried personally but heard about people using and finding some success.  Lots of measuring, prepping and smart shopping other perfectly good plans designed for people who do not travel and often have a lot more time than I have to focus shopping, prepping and exercising.  And speaking of exercising, I didn’t want a plan that was combined with a special workout—it’s totally a winning combination.  However, with my travel schedule, it simply was not going to work to combine a dramatic change effort related to what eat with a new fitness routine.  My travel schedule interrupts routine like nobody’s business and I know me.  If one side started to slip, I’d get frustrated and end up dropping both things.

I needed and wanted a program that would help me reset my eating habits back into smart choice, be really easy and not expect me significantly more active than I already am (read: NO SPECIAL EXERCISES).  I planned a return to running and other official fitness activities, but I did not want to dramatically cut intake while substantially increasing output.  My return to running and whatnot would be used to help me with my transition from a weight loss program to a maintenance plan once I succeeded in reaching my goal. 

Ultimately, I decided to go with NutriSystem.  Unless you specifically order the frozen foods, the program foods can be stored in your pantry (or my dining room) and are very portable.  A microwave is necessary for dinners and some lunches, but several of the lunch and breakfast options can be tossed in a purse, backpack or briefcase and go with you.  Most of the hotels I stay in have in room or in lobby microwaves, so I could take the dinners with me on the road and make that work.  I decided this was my best bet.  But I, still, did not place the order right away. 

The first week of February I went on a work trip that happened on one of my coworkers’ birthdays and sort of quietly celebrated it out at dinner.  This picture was taken.

When I saw the picture, I barely recognized me in it.  The red hair is a giveaway so I did know it was, in fact, me.  Since everyone else in the shot looked very much like their good looking selves, I couldn’t blame the angle or the lighting or photographic distortion to explain why I looked like a stranger to myself. 

I'm the redhead in the far left.  Yeah, I didn't recognize me either.

I came home and placed my order.  I started with the Lean 13 deal that had a starter week boxed up with shake packets and snack bars to go with a month’s worth of breakfast, lunches, dinners and evening snacks.

I placed that first order on February 11.  The first box arrived a few days later.  It sat unopened in my office for a while.  I was reticent to start, afraid of failure. 

I finally opened the box before a work trip that was not a client facing activity.  I knew it was a lousy time to start, because I was going to be hanging out with work friends and there would be dining out and raising glasses and catered lunches and delicious snacks.  I realized, though, there was NEVER going to be a good time to start.  It also occurred to me that making through a lower stress, if higher temptation filled, week with people I know and enjoy would be an excellent test to my ability to make this program work. 

I started the program on February 20, having my program breakfast, snack and lunch at home.  I had food packed for the rest of my meals for the week.  I did have to check my bag because the dinners would qualify as a “liquid”, but it was a 4 day trip so that wasn’t such a big deal as I would have been hard pressed to get everything in carry-on bag anyway.  The first box was delivered with a shaker for mixing the turbo shakes with ice and water.  That came with me too.  Dinner wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t delicious.  It was bland and not anything as pretty as was displayed on the box. 

The first week was difficult.  I was hungry.  All the snacks and delicious looking lunches and dinners that passed under my nose were all more tempting than usual.  I also abstained from any alcohol because it was not part of the program and I really wanted to do this thing right. 

The day I returned home, that first week, my flights were delayed so I got home later than expected, after dinner time.  I’d saved the “pizza” dinner for my return home and I’d looked forward to it.  Even bad pizza isn’t terrible, right?  When I opened the box, which was supposed to contain a piece of flatbread, some sauce and some cheese to be assembled and microwaved, I discovered there was NO FREAKIN’ CHEESE.  I actually cried.  I was hungry and tired and wanted my stupid lousy pizza and it didn’t have any dang cheese.  It hurt my feelings.  My Mister tried to not laugh at my response and told me to get some cheese from the fridge to put on it and perhaps I could call the company to complain.  Customer service is not open after 8pm.  I was pretty bitter.  The faux pizza didn’t make for very good pity party food. 

It is possible that had I not had a month’s worth of already paid for food in my dining room, I might have quit the program right then and there.  But I’d already made an investment, so I had to stick it out for the month.  It also helped that the number on the scale had dropped a few pounds.  At least there had been some progress connected to my sacrifice. 

I don’t recall how much I lost that first week.  I’ve got it written down in the journal NutriSystem provides but I abandoned after a few weeks.  It’s handy but I didn’t want one more thing to carry and I was being very regimented about following the program, so I didn’t feel compelled to keep it.  I did manage to log in the online journal, Numi, that by March 3^rd I’d lost 8 pounds and 14 days into the program I’d lost 9.8 pounds.  Progress was being made. 

After three weeks into the program I was down 10 pounds and even trying to enforce my program rules in my dreams:

My next big test of my resolve came quickly thereafter.  I had a major work trip to Orlando.  Due to the sweet location, proximity to my girls’ Spring Break, my sister living in Orlando, my other sister coming down from ATL to watch my girls and some awesome teammate peer pressure, the Orlando trip would not be just work related but a venture out to Universal and my first chance to explore Harry Potter’s wizarding world, plus some time at a few of the Disney parks and a crazy road trip with my girls.  How would I ever manage to stay on program with all that going on?  I figured it out. 

Representing Ravenclaw March 18, 2017

It helped that I drove the girls and myself down to Orlando, so I could bring a small cooler of fresh veggies in addition to 14 days worth of program foods and almonds and pecans for morning and afternoon snacks on the go.  I used the hotel microwave and brought my dinner to the poolside café with me and ate with my girls, my sister and my coworkers while they ate from the café menu.  I made snack bags of 2 tablespoons of almonds and pecans and tossed those in my purse along with my breakfast bars and lunch bars.  I drank lots and lots of water.  I’d even indulge in a cider or a wine with dinner in lieu of having a program associated evening snack.  Between the work at the conference and all the walking at the parks and all the other fun activities I did with the girls, I got well beyond the recommended 30 minutes of activity.  So despite being tempted right and left, I kept my head and my choices in the game and had continued my slow and steady weight loss.  Best part—I even got to taste frozen butterbeer (holy mackerel, a taste is all a person needs—SO MUCH BUTTERY SWEET GOODNESS). 

When I came home so pleased with myself for not falling off the program, my mister had this to say:

My Mister has been incredibly supportive.  He has been ridiculously blessed with incredible metabolism—at 53 he can still consume 3000+ calories a day on not gain an ounce.  He still drinks whole milk, non-diet sodas, some bread with his butter, and whatever starches he fancies.  He has no concept of portions.  He believes serving a person less than 10 ounces of meat is just rude.  While he always cooks veggies to go with the dinners he makes, he used to steam them with a chunk of butter on top.  The closest he comes to “dieting” is when he occasionally forgets to eat because he’s busy.  But he usually makes up for it by eating half a lasagna or something like that.  Being supportive of someone else’s dramatic change in eating habits, when you have no personal reference point and it directly affects you and how you do things, isn’t as easy as one might think, but he’s been wonderful about it. 

He now makes the vegetables without butter and butters his separately.  With the program you can eat as many true vegetables as you want.  So large portions of steamed veggies with 3 ounces of filet mignon or some other grilled or steamed protein have become regular alternatives to program foods when I am home.   He also bought me a NutriBullet (not associated with NutriSystem) to make blending fruit with the NutriSystem shakes easier to do with less hassle than with our regular blender.  He is also wonderful about picking up the raw veggies I use for snacking and the premade salad that LOVE from Publix.  His encouragement and support have been an important part of my success with this endeavor.

My favorite salad from Publix.  I could eat it every day.

My daughters have been wonderfully encouraging, too.  I really struggled with embarking on something so obvious because I really did not want my healthy, active, beautiful girls to get the impression being thin was something important or even the real purpose of this journey for me.  E, my older daughter, didn’t really like the idea of me wanting to lose weight at all and asked why I thought I needed it.  I discussed, with both of them, my need to reset myself and the kinds of choices I made with food.  We talked about healthy choices and how it’s okay to eat some junky foods sometimes but not all the time and that too much of even healthy food was a bad thing.  I explained that I had stopped looking and feeling like myself and I wanted to get back to that again.  I told them I was using the program to help me retrain myself and my body so it would be easier to keep making healthy choices.

One of the very positive impacts of this journey on my girls, is that we have a lot of easily accessible, ready to eat veggies, in addition to our usual selection of fresh fruits, in the house and the girls will grab celery or cucumbers or even tomatoes to snack on as often as they might grab a pear or even chips.  Ultimately, we all are eating better.

 

Special occasions are a challenge to any diet and my experience wasn’t any different.  Fortunately, we didn’t have any big events from my start time until Easter.  So I’d been on the program for two months by that point and lost 20 pounds.  When Easter arrived I had tasted the fruits of success and was not inclined to lose any momentum.  However, when your parents invite you to Easter Brunch at the Westin, you don’t say “no”.  You go and you make some very different choices than you might have made in the past.  I ate LOTS of salad and fruits.  The buffet had wonderful dish of grilled vegetables that I filled my plate with more than once.  I also ate an indecent amount of boiled shrimp, with lemon juice instead of cocktail sauce.  And because I really wanted to, I also got very very small servings of a two three of the desserts, to enjoy the taste.  I even had a mimosa.  Because the choices I made were still healthy choices and many things were very low calorie, my “indulgence” wasn’t ridiculous—I didn’t even have that over stuffed feeling I had so often got, in the past, when leaving delicious buffets like that.  On that day I skipped my afternoon and evening snacks and dinner, opting for some raw veggies to assuage any signs of hunger, though they never really came.  I don’t recommend skipping meals, but it’s what I did.  Monday, it was straight back to the program.  No set back on the scale, at all. 

My birthday was two weeks later, another occasion for indulgence and potential derailment.  My sister came into town to celebrate.  My parents took us out to dinner.  But derailment was avoided.  I skipped my afternoon snack, ate a reasonable “flex meal” dinner of edamame and California roll and a cider at PF Chang’s, with my family.  I even had a small slice of the DQ ice cream cake my Mister bought and a reasonably small slice of the birthday cake my daughter made for me, all by herself.  Obviously, no evening snack was necessary.  Yes, I’d consumed more calories than usual, but it was a planned indulgence.  Instead of feeling like I’d failed my mission, I felt totally in control.  I was back to the program the next day. 

The same sensibilities were applied on Mother’s Day when we returned to the Westin for Brunch with my parents and on Father’s Day when we ate at Texas de Brazil (I elected to have the salad bar only option).  Smart choices, small indulgences and bypassing regular planned snacks were always part of the game plan. 

I’d like to tell you cravings go away and you don’t even want some of the things you used to enjoy but that would be a big fib.  I haven’t stopped loving cookies, DQ Blizzards or fresh bread with butter.  I avoid eating them. 

Making it through Girl Scout Cookie season with two girls selling cookies and not faltering was a serious challenge.  The feeling of accomplishment was huge—giving me the confidence I needed to continue to avoid things that would only lead to my downfall.  Don’t get me wrong, we bought lots of cookies.  I just didn’t eat them this year.  Next year, Imma be on some Dosidos, but only two or three, not 12 at a time. 

I still stress eat, too, but I stress eat a bowl of raw veggies instead of a bowl of kettle corn.  There’s a lot less guilt in eating a big bowl of cucumbers than a big bowl of the salty sweet goodness that is kettle corn. 

Chewing gum is my crutch.  I chew copious amounts of sugar-free gum.  It helps me get through times when I might otherwise be stress eating or grinding my teeth or boredom eating.  Some days I go through several packs of gum.  It’s a terrible thing to put that much sorbitol or other artificial sweeteners into you gastrointestinal system.  I don’t recommend it if you can avoid it.  However, it has helped me, at work and at social occasions when food is everywhere. 

On the road for work and even on vacation, I take my food with me.  I don’t always eat the program dinners, because eating out with the team is definitely more fun than eating mediocre microwaved food and meals out with clients are also rather important.  The breakfast bars and lunch bars and little snack bags of nuts always get consumed.  If I have a car or a convenient grocery store, I will often buy ready to eat celery and carrots.  I’ve even taken bags of sliced cucumbers, and celery and carrots with me on flights—especially when I know I’m up for a long couple of flights.  On a few occasions, I’ve eaten some of the dinners cold.  They are not better that way, though not a whole lot different than when warm. 

One of the things that is really helpful about this program is that the foods, especially the non-frozen ones, take almost no time to make.  This makes it easy for me sit down and eat with my family, even though they are eating something different.  I’ve even managed to order foods that are similar to things we often eat as a family.  When the family has spaghetti, I have a program pasta dish.  When we have chicken pot pie, I have a program one.  When we get a pizza, I have a program pizza.  (Though, I’ve managed to go to Mellow Mushroom and eat just ONE slice of pizza.  I didn’t know that was even possible before now.)  If we have burgers, I make one of the frozen burgers, which isn’t as good as my husband’s grilled burgers, but it isn’t bad.  It’s main drawback is it’s the size of a slider.  And on the occasions we have breakfast for dinner, like egg mcmuffin style sandwiches or waffles, I have the program versions (which are meant for breakfast, but I don’t care because we are having breakfast for dinner).  The program versions of waffles and egg sandwiches are part of their frozen options and are both quite good.  The waffles are great.  The egg sandwiches are not quite as delicious as the ones I make for my family, but they are tasty.  Nutrisystem frozen food options are, without question, better tasting than the non-frozen ones. 

As I’ve progressed I’ve felt more confident about doing more “flex meals” for dinner than not.  I usually order salads with no dressing and no cheese but with some sort of protein, like shrimp, chicken or steak.   I love it when they have options with fruits and nuts and avocados.  At home, my Mister makes great proteins and I fill the other 3 quarters of my plate with veggies.  Corn is considered a smart carb, so it fulfills that requirement when the steamed veggies are of a mixed variety. 

My dinner 

My kid's dinner

When I was in NYC with my girls, walking 5 or more miles a day, I even let myself have some of the fresh Italian bread with a little butter, to go with my shrimp cocktail and salad.  And when E made her favorite spaghetti dinner all by herself, I ate the dinner she made—a small portion and none of the garlic bread.  And when our neighbors' daughter made an ice cream sandwich cake for dessert when they came over for a cookout, I had a wee bit of it (so good!).

ice cream sandwich cake

I’ve mentioned that this has been a slow but steady journey.  Right before my birthday, I’d hit the halfway point, having lost 25 pounds at that point.  I wanted a blizzard to celebrate.  I ate a bowl of baby sweet peppers instead.  Then I bought some summer clothes.  I didn’t have single part of shorts that fit.  I surprised myself and pleased my husband by purchasing shorts that hit mid-thigh instead of my usual Bermuda shorts length.  I was a little disappointed that the sizes I purchased were a lot smaller.  Perhaps it was the brands.  It also probably had a lot to do with the fact that I don’t like tight or snug clothes.

The clothing part of this journey has been interesting.  I still wear many things I wore 49.5 pounds ago and everything I bought 25 pounds ago.  Pretty much all of those things are loose and some, I probably shouldn’t wear because they are literally falling off.  I still have some clothes that I wore before I put on all the weight and couldn’t bear to part with because I loved them and had spent some serious coin on them.  It’s been really fun to put things on and have them not only fit but look good again.  The Sunday before last I put on a bikini that I wore on my honeymoon.  I pranced around my room, in front of my husband and told him “I’m wearing this to church today, BECAUSE I CAN.”  I didn’t really wear the bikini to church, but I’m pretty sure I wore a little bit of extra confidence.

Fortunately for me, my tastes in clothes have generally leaned toward classic lines and designs, so I can get away with wearing many things I now fit again.  It’s like going on a shopping spree without the annoyance of having to shop or spending money.  I’ll still probably need to do a bit of shopping as the season changes though, particularly for work.  The size thing is still nutty, I still need to try a range of three different sizes and might fit anyone of them depending on the style or brand.  I also have to bring myself to donate so more of my larger sized clothes so I don’t feel like I have a safety net to return to if I forget my resolve.

Some of the changes in my body have also been interesting and required some mental gymnastics.  I'm 46 now and my skin isn't as resilient as it once was and isn't tight anywhere.  That doesn't bother me much though.  As I get back into running and yoga again, more muscle definition will show and I'll not fret at all about the loose-ish skin.   It's not like it was tight 50 pounds ago either.  The change that has been difficult is the loss of my boobs.  When I breast fed they were at pornstar proportions, and I was relieved when the returned to normal after weaning.  I was also relieved, that unlike many of my fellow moms whose breasts were smaller after weaning than they were before they were pregnant and breast fed, my breasts were close to the same size, may a little larger.  Naturally, I accounted for my excess weight as the cause of  the "a little larger" size.  I've always liked my breasts.  They have been a very feminine feature to an otherwise, not particularly feminine body--broad shoulders, narrow hips, straight waist.  So, when the pounds disappeared and my breasts shrunk with them and lost their roundness, I was a little bummed out.  Of course, I reminded myself that I am very fortunate to have two healthy, intact breasts and didn't let myself have a long pity party about it.  But it would be dishonest to say I loved all the changes to my body this journey has created.  I'm over my disappointment, though--the rest has been very positive, and it helps that my husband keeps telling me that my boobs are still awesome.  And at this point, I'm pleased enough about the changes in my body, that I ran around in public, all day, in a WonderWoman costume for a work team building activity.  And I've been planning how I'm going to ink up my hips and belly now that I might be inclined to show them off again.

While I didn't get into using the Numi app for logging intake and output and all that helpful stuff for people who like to track things and are motivated by details.  I have gotten into the habit of weighing myself, at night before bed and first thing in the morning.  It's not a habit I recommend.  It is interesting though to see how dramatically one's weight can fluctuate between bedtime and morning.  Morning weights are always better--always.  Part of that actually has something to do with gravity.  The other part is by morning much processing is done and after your morning tinkle, you've eliminated some extra water.  If you're going to weigh yourself daily, the morning is the best time.  If you weigh yourself sometimes in the morning and other times at night, there's a chance you'll give yourself the impression that you've put on weight, when really you just need to poop.  I don't even recommend weighing yourself daily.  I do it, but I'm not sure how helpful it is.  It's always more fun to weigh myself after returning from a trip, when I haven't been able to feed my obsessive compulsive bedtime/morning routine, and see actual, meaningful movement on the scale.  I'm weirdly motivated by my probably unhelpful routine, so I do it.  But I don't recommend it, unless you're motivated in a similarly weird way.

I’ve been nervous about the transition to maintenance for a while.  It is seems more daunting now than trying lose 50 pounds.  With that last half pound to go, I’ve got to start thinking about running and yoga and planned exercise again.  I’ll need to look up 5k races and set my sights on a race to train for.  One of my awesome girlfriends from work has proposed we pick a race to do together when I’m ready—that’ll help keep me focused.  I’ve got a 30^th high school reunion coming up in 2 years—that’ll also be good motivation.  I was in fabulous shape at my 10^th,  better shape than I was when I graduated, so it will be nice to go back in great shape again.  If I aim really high, I’ll take one of my college friend and all around superhero’s challenge and try to get myself in a position to do the Goofy Challenge in 2021, the year we turn 50.  I won’t announce those things, officially, until I’m on my way though.  Once the plan infiltrates my dreams, I’ll share it with others—that methodology seems to work for me.  I need the encouragement and support saying it aloud provides, but I’ve got to convince my psyche it’s going to happen first.

Whatever works, eh?  

Here's a few more then/now pictures for comparison and documentation of the slow and steady transition.

Team mates and a picture of me in which I recognize me (August 2017

Same Ravenclaw shirt I wore in March (shown earlier) as it fit in July

 Me  (and loved ones) at a wedding May 2016

Me on Mother's day May 2017

Part 3 of the True Facts series will be my reviews of the foods.  

True Facts about NutriSystem Part 1 (Fundamental Lessons Learned)

Disclaimer:  I'm not a nutritional expert.  I am not a representative of NutriSystem and have not been compensated by them in any way.  I have had success with a this particular program and people have asked me about it and my journey so I figured I'd share a few things.  

True Facts about NutriSystem.  Part 1:  Fundamental Lessons Learned

   4000 words into writing about my journey, I reckoned that it might be better if I broke it into chunks, for easier consumption.  This will serve as a bit of an appetizer, addressing, at a high level, the things I have gleaned from the experience.  For folks who are also interested in the personal journey side of the story, that will be covered in Part 2.  

Almost seven months into this journey and an annoying ½ pound away from my goal of losing 50 pounds, what have I learned about NutriSystem? 

• ·        The program works.  Adherence to the program is key.  There are no “cheat” days.  The program’s success is mathematic.  The packages foods and guides for snacks and flex meals (lunches or dinners made on your own with very specific portions and guidelines) provide enough calories to function in a healthy way but less than a normal body typically uses per day.  Ultimately, all weight loss is about math.  Burn more calories than you take in.  It’s a simple formula.  You don’t have to add work out but you cannot be completely sedentary.  This is a good program to combine with fitbit goals or other step/activity trackers. 
• ·        The food is not great.  Some of it isn’t bad and a there are a few things that are pretty good and I actually really like to eat.  As a foodie (one of the perks of life on the road is you do get a chance to eat some really great food, plus my husband is an excellent chef), it is a difficult sacrifice to eat mediocre food.  The good news is the portions are small so you don’t have to eat a lot of it.  Don't let one nasty tasting option keep you from trying others.  I’ll provide a review of the ones I always order but you pretty much have to figure out what you like or can at least tolerate.  
• ·        Getting the recommended 5 servings of veggies in throughout the day is a saving grace of the program.  You can actually pretty much eat as many non-starchy veggies as you want.  I love vegetables, so this really works for me.  When I am home, I always have celery, carrots, cucumbers, baby peppers and/or cherry tomatoes to snack on throughout the day or add to my official morning or afternoon snacks.  I’m not super inclined to do food prepping but with a mandolin slicer I can slice up 4 large cucumbers in a 5 minutes.  Celery just needs washing and a few chops and it’s ready.  And to be frank, I can get lazy about celery and will buy the already prepped packages at the grocery store.  I’m not proud of this but it keeps me on program.  I also buy the “baby” carrots—all peeled and cut and ready to eat.  I’m not going to chop carrots.  I needed easy.  These are ways to keep it easy.  We also buy a lot of good frozen veggies and steam them for family dinners.  I will use them to supplement NutriSystem dinners and with “flex meals”.   The freedom with veggies is helpful when I’m on the road and have to eat out with clients.  Big salads, no dressing, little or no cheese are my go to meals when I have to eat out on the road. 
• ·        Snacks are essential to your success.  With them, you eat six times a day and you rarely feel deprived or hungry.  Don’t skip the snacks to speed up the weight loss.  You will just get hungry, then hangry and then are more likely to struggle sticking with the program.  For your morning snack, it is recommended that you have what they call a power fuel.  Power fuels are things like their TurboShake, a serving of fat-free yogurt or cottage cheese, a stick of fat-free string cheese, a boiled egg, or 2 tablespoons of peanut butter or guacamole or hummus, or two tablespoons of almonds, pecans and other tree nuts.  When I travel I make snack bags of almonds and pecans.  In a pinch, it’s not too hard to find snack sized bags of nuts at convenience stores or in airports, though sometimes you have to save half the bag for later.  At home I usually combine a power fuel like peanut butter, guacamole, hummus, or cottage cheese with celery, carrots, cucumbers and/or peppers.  They make very satisfying snacks.  Afternoon snacks are supposed to be made up of a power fuel and a smart carb.  Fruits fall into the smart carb category, as well as some grains and breads.  On the road, I don’t always get my smart carb, but the power fuel of nuts carries me through until dinner.  At home, I like to combine a TurboShake with fresh or frozen fruit.  It’s really yummy and almost feels like something as decadent as a milkshake.   Almost.
• ·        Portions are important.  This process was a huge reminder to me as to what healthy portions look like.  We all know nuts are supposed to be healthy but learning what two tablespoons looks like and sticking to that is an important lesson.  It has been an important refresher to my thought about healthy foods.  Just because something is good for you, it does not mean you can eat as much as you want of it or that it counters less healthy choices.  I’m looking at you guacamole and hummus.  I love them but a serving of guac is 2 tablespoons, not 2 cups and all the chips you can use to accompany it.  I still eat guacamole, but in proper portions and pair it with celery, carrots or cucumbers.  It’s a great power fuel.  One day I’ll eat chips again, but only enough to get through 2 tablespoons of guac, and not until the bowl is empty.  The other significant place portions come into play is with proteins in general.  I love steak, and my husband, a devout meatatarian, loves to make it.  His steaks are the best in town, possibly the state.  So for my flex meals, I will have some of his wonderfully prepared steaks, cut in half, because a real portion is only 3 ounces not 6 or 8, and I save the other half to put in a salad for lunch or dinner the next day.  When I’m on the road and order a salad with chicken or steak, I only eat 3 ounces of it and leave the rest.  It’s not easy, especially when it’s delicious but it’s been important to me in retraining myself to pay attention to what a real portion looks like.
• ·        Alcohol is not recommended with the program.  However, I looked at the ingredients in all of the sweet NutriSystem packaged snacks intended for your evening snacks and the calories, total carbs (and net carbs), sugars and other ingredients showed nothing that suggested they were better for you than a glass of wine or beer (or cider, in my case).  I’m not saying imbibe to heart’s content, but occasional substituting your program snack with one normal glass of wine or a beer isn’t going to wreck you or your diet plan.  I don’t recommend having both the snack or the wine, unless you’ve been burning a heck of a lot of extra calories that day. 
• ·        You can cut yourself some slack and enjoy special occasions when they arise.  However, don’t lose your mind.  Make smart choices.  Take smaller portions, enough to get a taste of deliciousness but without blowing all your hard work. 
• ·        The NutriSystem program offers online tools and apps and even hardcopy journals for tracking intake and choices.  I didn’t use them except to occasionally report my weight and measurements.  They are good tools, and could be very helpful to someone who is motivated by that sort of information.  I have been pretty religious about sticking to program and didn’t want one more task to obsess about. 
• ·        This is not a fast fix.  You drop a bit quickly in the beginning because the change in diet can be dramatic, and water and whatnot is lost early.  But your body level sets and that’s okay.  The slow and steady process makes it possible to reset your head as well as your body.  You have time to get used to making different, healthier choices.  You have time to learn what portions look like.  You have time to appreciate the little and big changes in your body.  You have time to learn new ways of preparing favorites and how to eat at a buffet.  You have time to get rid of the clothes you shrink out of so that you are more motivated to keep progressing and maintain your weight once you reach your goals.