Sad Anniversary

There are days when your heart is rent so badly that you are left with a hole that can never be filled. You learn to navigate the hole and eventually it gets easier to get around. But it is always there. 
This day, the anniversary of my mother's passing, even after more than 20 years, always finds me at the edges of tears all day (and, frequently, in tears). My mother was a singularly gentle, kind and loving person. Though she held my sister and me to high standards, her love and affection was given freely and without condition.
It is incredibly good fortune have had such an amazing mother and incredible example of how to be a positive part of the world.
She continues to be with me, always--in my relationships with others, my work ethic, my sense of duty and responsibility, in the personalities of my children and my understanding of the great power of love.
She is not here, though. And that feels unfair. Yet, my life is pretty wonderful--the life she would want for me. And that's more than fair.
This day, though...

It's the little things and they're all connected. And so are we.

This morning was extra on the crazy--I had a client presentation a 8:30.  In my rush to E to school and back home to do the presentation, I didn't get a chance to get an extra big, I'm going away for 3 days sort of hug.  And as soon a I returned, I went straight to my office to set up for the client meeting.  So when it was time for my husband to take B to school, all I got a chance to do was to blow her a kiss good-bye.  My husband got the same.  Not a single proper good-bye hug for or from any of them.

After my demo for the client, I was feeling rather sad.  But I had no time to dwell on it.  Another online meeting was attended and a then I still had to pack.  

As I was packing I took a long look at the pink toiletries bag I've used for probably a decade now.  It was given to me by one of my best girlfriends back when I lived in the DC area.  I realized I was wearing the sea glass earring given to me by one of my other best girlfriends from DC.  These two women were a huge part of my life from my early 20s to my mid 30s.  For some totally me reason the toiletry bag and earrings in combination filled me with nostalgia and felt strangely like a gentle hug from far away.  I made a mental note that I really needed to write these two ladies, who also have crazy busy lives balancing families and careers of their own, and remind them how much I love them and how there a little pieces of them (from the gifts they've given and pictures we've taken) all over my home and some that I keep with me much of the time.  These line of thought made me both happy and sad (I really miss these ladies).

By the time I left the house, I was feeling very blue--already missing my babies and my mister (I did get to give a proper good-bye to our dog, but she just made me feel guilty for leaving her) and missing my DC friends.  And I had a giant list of undone things running through my head.  

Getting to the airport I was utterly unexcited about my trip and a touch mopey.  When I boarded my flight I was definitely not feeling social.  I hoped the totally full flight would be very quick.

When the passenger in the seat next to me boarded, he was clearly agitated.  His body language said "GRRR."  I probably noticeably sighed when he sat down.  Though, he probably did not notice the sigh because he was wrapped up in his crankiness.  As soon as he sat down, he got on his phone and called someone to rant about how cranky he was in language that would get his conversation an "R" rating.  

When he got of his phone he looked at me and said, "I like your earrings.  What is that?  Sea-glass?"

"Yes, it is," I replied.  Cranky-man's demeanor changed slightly.  He started to tell me about his fond memories of gathering sea-glass on the beach where he lived in Hawaii.  I asked which island.  He tells me, he grew up on Kauai, pointing out the his tattoo of the island mixed in with all the other ink on his hand.  I told him I'd lived on Oahu when I was in intermediate school and a starting high school.  His previously tense posture had dramatically changed for the better.  We chat a while about our island experiences.  We're the same age, it turns out.  And it turns out our overlapping time in Hawaii was not our only thing in common, we also live in San Francisco at the same time as well.  We had a good conversation about fun times in our younger days.  We continued on to talk about all the cool things our little corner of Alabama has to offer and how we just smile when our friends from out of state question our choice.  

He said, "Isn't if funny how we have all these common threads?  I'm so glad I said something about the earrings.  I was in such a bad mood and mad at everyone when I got on the plane but now I'm feeling good with all these happy memories."  I told him I'd appreciated the compliment and the conversation, too.  It had lightened my mood as well.  

Paying a stranger a compliment is such a little thing but it can pay dividends, for the receiver and the giver.  And if we stop to notice little things like earrings or wicked cool ink or some other unique aspect of that stranger sitting/standing next us, we might find how much we really have in common, how connected we are.  And there's a lot of warm, fuzzy, mood-changing goodness to feeling connected.  It's a little thing, but it's all good.

I'm 43 and totally believe in Santa Claus.

I know why we celebrate Christmas. I teach my children that the day is a celebration of the birth of Christ, God's gift (of salvation and so much more) to the world. It's a beautiful and important holiday to me. That gift wasn't small and it's eternal. There is no gift so great or so worthy of celebration.

Still, in our house Santa is part of the broader celebration. For my kids, Santa is a jolly man, with elves and a wonderful sort of magic, who celebrates the eve of the greatest gift by giving.

For me, Santa is the magic of wonder and whimsy and fun and the joys of giving and receiving. Santa is the spirit that makes even skeptics and non-believers make contributions so that others might happily celebrate those joys and know that magic. Santa is the spirit that inspires people to anonymously pay off thousands of dollars of layaways or deliver baskets of food or sing happy songs for people in need of company and cheer. 

We cannot give the way God gives. But Santa's story is of just a person, slightly flawed but decidedly loving and spilling over with so much joy that it could not be kept within, but had to be given away for the delight of others. Santa is attainable--anyone can be Santa. So Santa can and does exist any place in which someone believes. And if I live to be 100 I will continue believe in Santa and the fun factor of Christmas.

My children have asked why Santa doesn't leave anything for me.  I've explained that's it is because I have super potty mouth and a tendency to yell that really needs to be worked on. Since I'm trying to work on these things, I don't get coal or switches, so it's cool.

The Castle Project Chapter 11: The Turkish Spa

This room was my obsession from start to finish.  It was the first room I actually purchased a good bit of the materials used, though I also used a lot of recycled stuff.  It's probably the most expensive room.  Many late nights were spent on this endeavor, and every minute was worth it.  It dethroned Jasmine's room as my favorite.
 The first part of my obsessive vision was that it had to have columns.  My mild addiction to Good and Plenty was very helpful with this.  My children's fondness for Mike and Ike's didn't hurt either.  After drawing the arch for the columns on one box, I used the cutout as a template for the rest.  I put packing peanuts into all the box cavities to provide substance and strength.
I glued all the arches to the walls and stuffed the spaces in between the boxes with packing peanutes and cut portions of toilet paper roles to form the end columns.  Then I painted a base coat of blue on the walls and floor.

I wanted a smooth and firm surface for the spaces above the columns and over the gaps so I cut up a cereal box and covered those areas.  I also put down the paper I used for the flooring.  It just looked like a ancient tile floor to me.  I laid out the paper I used for the walls.  There was a little lip as the paper went from the candy box to the primary box but I was comfortable with that from a design perspective.  The interior walls of the arches also had to be smoothed out, I used long strips from the sides of other candy boxes to provide the smooth surface.

I also fitted the toilet paper rolls I planned to use for the columns--it wasn't as simple as cutting them open, they had 

Then I finished papering the walls that would be exposed after the columns went up.

The next task was all sorts of tedious but the results were pretty gorgeous, if I do says so myself.  Each bead was put on individually.  Tacky Glue is the bomb.  I used a straight pin to help me pick up and place the beads.  The goal was to turn the beads so that the holes didn't show, once the column was completed.  I used glass beads from the craft section a walmart because they were dramatically less expensive than anywhere else.  It is not my intention to spend a fortune on this castle.  Had that been the plan, I could have bought something pre-fab and just decorated it..

Before putting the columns on I papered the inside walls of the arches with the same paper I'd used for the floor.  I started out trying to string the beads on for ceiling to make a particular pattern but it didn't go quite as easily as planned--the beads kept slipping off the string.  But in the end I got the look I was going for an organic looking patternless sort of pattern.

Then I needed to address the paper lines.  Not so pretty and I had to figure out what to do do about the open tops of the columns.  Lots of little wooden craft sticks got a bronze paint job.

Half moons of wider wood slates were cut to fit the tops of the columns, the edges were lined with beads.  The white spaces around the arches got painted with the bronze, as did a strip of wall above the door.  Little wood trim pieces were glued on and then decorative beads hid any join and added interest.

I wasn't satisfied with the space.  Turkish baths have even more to see, usually, I made little cool water fountains with foam beads cut in half and more fancy beads (from a rather inexpensive pack of plastic jewelry making sets I got at walmart and ended up using in several parts of this room as well as many others.)  I tried using hot glue for the sinks and burned my fingers pretty badly, so I ended up using tacky glue, which was the better choice.

The bath started out as a deli meat container.  I papered the outside of the tub with a paper similar to the one I used for the floor. To keep things looking neat, I cut a piece to fit the raised part of the bottom of the container and modge podged that to the inside of the bath.  Then I covered the outsid with bronze painted wooden slates.  I painted the edges of the tub with bronze paint and added fancy leaf shaped beads (from the kit mentioned above) along the top edge.  I used other beads from the kit to be faucets and the bottom was trimmed with still more beads (some holes show, but the girls don't seem to care).

I didn't like the end result of the way the bronzed wooden slats looked.  So I mixed modge podge with some very fine glitter and painted the mixture, thickly, onto the wooden slats.

I also painted the interior lip in the plastic container--I just liked the way that looked better.

The door got painted bronze as well.  A doorknob made from a broken ring finished off the door to what will one day be a shower and dressing room.

This became my favorite room for a long time.  I want to 3.5" high so I can hang out in here.  Of course, there is no running water so it wouldn't really be that cool.  My girls have been warned that it will ruin the room and the castle for them to try to fill the bath with real water.

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The Castle Project Chapter 10: The Dining Room and Sitting Room

The dining room and the sitting room were planned for the first wing of the castle and the walls, floors and ceilings went in about the same time as the creation of the ballroom.  They started life as Girl Scout cookie cases.  

I was especially pleased with the ceiling in the dining room, gold vellum over pink paper. 

 The ceiling in the sitting room is textured and shiny.  All the paper and stickers came out of my extensive stash of scrapbooking materials.  The rug starts out as thick water color paper, to give it depth and presence.  When I get back to scrapbooking again, I may need to go shopping, but for now I'm putting my inventory to good use.

 As the project continues, I get better at dealing with openings between rooms.  In this case, I made the hole primarily to keep the spaces from being too dark.  We'll call it a "magic" wall, instead of an opening between rooms.

The rooms sat empty for a good while.  I started to work on other rooms.  I had the idea that I should just do the background first and worry about furniture later, but after working on a few bedrooms, it became clear that I furniture was pretty pivotal to the whole design process.

I had a pile of silk, cashmere and silk blend sweaters and tops that were ruined from spills, tears or moths.  I finally discovered why I had been saving them.  They were turned into a pile of luxurious scraps, fit for many uses, particularly furniture coverings.  

 My daughter gets Capri Sun Super V in her lunch.  If you open the package the way it's supposed to be opened, instead of just ripping it open, you get this pretty sturdy and nicely shaped wedge shaped piece.  Or, as I saw it, the foundation for a sofa.

 The larger, smooth portion became the back.

 The sides got a nice trim to form arms.

 After I made the first arm, I used the scrap to make the pattern for the other side.

 There was the start of my sofa.  I made one more the exact same way.

I used masking tape to cover the entire sofa, creating a better painting surface.  Then I created cushions using some cashmere sweater scraps.  The fabric as wrapped around a shaped piece of cardboard.  I cut feet out of cardboard, painted the taped cardboard dark brown and then trimmed with gold paint.  I forgot to document this part.   Hot glue was used.  Fingers were burned (I may not have fingerprints by the time this project is complete).

The next thing to tackle was the dining room.  I was feeling stuck but then happened upon an idea, inspired by images of table tops.  I enlisted my sister's boyfriend to come up with a good way to set up a foundation that would support the image that I found.  Using cardboard and wooden craft sticks he created a foundation.  Then he and my sister left and I put his start into the dining room.  I thought it was a little too small.  I printed off a larger image, and cut another cardboard top.  Then I taped it all up.  But the legs weren't quite right.  They were too plain.  So I grabbed some pipe cleaners and tape and started to work on it.

 After fancying up the legs, it got a paint job.

Then it got a layer of gold paint along the edges and feet, with a dry brush of gold on the legs to better go with the table top image.  Then the image was applied.  

The finished table looked awesome in the dining room.  

Now it was time for the chairs.  A while ago, I'd started making chairs using cups from an egg carton.  Once I had the table, I decide those chairs had to be used for something else.  They just didn't work for the table. So new chairs had to be constructed.
My new favorite building material, wooden craft sticks, came to save the day.  I already had a bunch of them because of some craft project I did with the girls for Christmas or something.  I played a little bit with dimensions that would work for the table and the dolls.
Then the painting began.  First a dark coat of brown and then rubbing down with gold.  I wanted the brown to show through a little bit, but not too much.

 Chair seats were fashioned with the tongue depressor sized craft sticks, cut to size and simply taped.  The cushion was stuffed with squares of my sweater scraps.  Then a larger square of fabric was hot glued down with a another "board" across the bottom (perpendicular to the other boards).

 Then I made the backs of the chairs with the curved part of a tongue depressor sized craft stick.  I had a small stack of fabric cut to size.  Then a larger piece was wrapped around the chair back.

 Next I set up the full back of the chairs.  The bottoms had been snipped of the popsicle sized craft sticks.  A tongue depressor sized back piece was hot glued between two of the thin wood sticks.  Then the cushioned chair back was hot glued to the back.

Then all the rest of the chair components were gathered to make each chair.  The assembled back, the seat cushion, two front legs and four braces.  

The front legs were hot glued to the seat cushion, then the front brace was glued on--it adds stability and covers the unfinished looking area of the cushion.  Next the seat and front legs are hot glued to the back of the chair.  At this point we have chair but a rather fragile one.

So I added braces to the other three sided of the chair. 

 All twelve of them.  To create a little more detail, I used finger nail decals to the back parts of the chair and painted over them to add a tiny bit of detail to the chairs.

I think they look great with the table.  Exactly the look I was trying to get.

 All twelve chairs fit, even with dolls in it. But it's a little bit crowded.

The girls approved of the new furniture.  So did the dolls.

I, however wasn't quite satisfied.  For the first time in the project, I went out and bought something specifically for the castle besides adhesives.  

I purchased candelabrum for the dining room.  I also bought some dishes, a lobster platter, some bread and cheese and some china.  Later, the girls made some fruits out of PlayDoh we let dry out. I glued the candelabrum to the table to keep them from getting destroyed.  The dishes and food is getting played with all over the place, whether I like it or not.  

 I made a coffee table out a wooden shape I'd bought and added some beads to the bottom for feet.  I, also, couldn't resist the pewter tea set.  

I think the sitting room needs a little something more, like lighting and perhaps some art or portraits on the walls.  I just haven't come up with the right inspiration.  I'll figure it out.  Meanwhile, the girls happily play with both rooms.