The Science of Beauty aka Unhelpful Areas of Research

While I am a huge fan of science and appreciate the benefits of scientific research and discovery, I find the line of research regarding what makes a person physically attractive to be unnecessary at best and seriously damaging at worst.  What set me to write this little rant are stories that, ironically, both came from HuffingtonPost.

The first article and others like it on the "science of beauty" are exactly the things that lead to people ending up feeling they are not pretty enough (touched on in the second link), a much more serious and destructive issue than, I think, some people realize.

Short video on the science of beauty (just one of far too many available on the subject)

Other HuffingtonPost 'article', this one on how "outrageous" it is that someone would tell another person they are not pretty enough

So how about this, big "thinkers" and researchers, instead of trying to track down and limit by strict definition how we process and define beauty, why don't you work on how to expand the horizons of people's definitions of beauty.  I'm really tired of reading about how this feature or measurement is ideal and this is not.  It's not a healthy barometer.  Let's do more research on what makes some people have a much broader spectrum of perceived beauty and how to help others expand theirs.  If you start now, by the time my daughters are old enough to read/listen to this type of research there will be things on the topic of beauty worth reading and hearing.

And in the meantime, I will work on teaching my daughters that human value and real beauty cannot actually be measured by a ruler or color chart.

Jen Tress's website. Read the shared stories and see how damaging these superficial measurements can be. And how strong people can be.

September 11, 2013

As I walked to airport security this morning, I couldn't help but notice the extra police presence. 

Oddly, I rather like flying in this solemn anniversary.  It's my little nonviolent response to the terrorists--you can't stop us from living our lives. We are stronger than you know. 

God bless the survivors and the families and friends of the lost. Let them know we have not forgotten. 

That was my Facebook status update this morning.  I still remember every detail of that day--the instant message conversation I had with my friend and coworker who, working from home in Toronto, had on CNN and started giving me the play by play.  I remember, at first, thinking it was a terrible accident with a small plane. And my heart still hurts recalling the moment when we realized it wasn't an accident.  I remember being sick with fear for my father who could've easily been at the Pentagon and for my stepmother who worked in DC.  I remember all the emails from family and friends asking me for assurance that I was not flying that day. I remember sending emails asking for the same thing from friends who lived and/or worked in New York. I remember the relief upon hearing none of our road warriors were on those flights, and the loosening of some of the knots in my stomach when I finally heard from my father, stepmother and friends who lived and worked in Arlington and New York (though it took a few days before I heard from all my NY friends).  And I remember my heart breaking again upon hearing about the passengers on flight 93, who took on the terrorists and saved lives while losing theirs. 

Living so close to Washington Dulles Airport, I found it surreal not to hear or see planes.  Watching the news and the brave first responders, I kept wanting to wake up and find it was all a terrible dream. And even with sadness and fear that filled me, I wanted to get on a plane. I, immediately, wanted to defy the terrorists.

With all those vivid memories that still bring tears to my eyes and tightness to my chest, I was so happy today to see all of my friends celebrating their children born on September 11th in the years following the saddest of days in 2001. Children are born, giving the world new hope with their potential and giving us a reason to smile and cheer, even on this sad anniversary.  We go on living our lives. We are stronger than we know. And if we live our lives with gratitude and love, the terrorists can never prevail. 

Glass ceilings replaced by Lucite heels

So, out of morbid curiosity, I watched the train wreck of the VMAs so many people are chatting about.  I was reminded why I don't ever watch the VMAs.

I was deeply saddened by the whole terrible performance.  Primarily, I am distressed that under the guise of sexual freedom and "grown woman" confidence, that child (yes, she is still a child, 20 is very young) and so many young women like her are enslaving themselves to a role of world wide sex toy.  It is not confidence that makes a girl/woman throw herself out there like that, it is a deep need for attention and validation that she will never ever find if she remains on that path.

In her effort to shed her "nice" girl, Hannah Montana image she has debased herself.  She has, however, accomplished her mission of never again being someone young people should look up to or idolize.  She has joined the ranks of Lindsey Lohan as the butt of jokes.  I am sad for her.

And I am sad for young girls everywhere being bombarded with the message, not just from Miley, that their sexuality is the only thing they have of value AND that they should give it away freely and indiscriminately.

I realize I sound like an old-fashioned biddy.  I may be, but this nonsense is not what the women who came before us worked and fought so hard to give us.

My step-mother didn't don the gray suit and sensible pumps and push the boundaries of what the BIG 6 accounting firms expected of a woman, especially from a single mother, so young women could aspire to be party girls.  She didn't break through the glass ceilings so girls could dance on glass stages in their underpants.  She and others like her forced a male dominated corporate world to recognized the value of smart, driven and talented women so that women like myself could walk into job interviews with confidence that our education, work experience and skill sets, not our gender and cleavage would be the measurements by which we are judged.

Now a society that claims to value women has actually set us back to the days of harem girls and concubines.  I suppose one could suggest the "advancement" of this age is that everyone, not just the rich and powerful, can "enjoy" these toys.  Very egalitarian.

I am very worried for my girls--the media of today--TV, print, internet, movies--are all conspiring to diminish them.  But I will do all that I can to provide additional messaging.  They will spend many years hating me for not letting them wear age inappropriate clothes, make up, shoes or jewelry.  They will be annoyed by my constantly reminding them how bright and competent and valuable they are.  And they will be bored by the regular refrain about true beauty comes from within.  And with a little luck and prayer, some of my messaging will sink in a provide a shield from or at least a good counter to this new era of inequality that paints women just objects of amusement.  

A Prayer for Our Nation

I don't write this as a political statement or an expression of personal opinion over the verdict that has our country in an uproar today.  My heart is sick over the state of our nation and I feel compelled to pray for us all.  I am sharing my prayer and inviting people to join me, as I believe the more people who pray, the stronger the prayer.  If prayer changes no one else but the person praying, it's a start.

I am praying for hearts to heal and minds to open. I am praying for people to stop holding Bill responsible for what Jim did simply because they share the same skin color or ethnic origins. I am praying for people to stop believing Mary thinks the same way as Barb because they share the same gender or faith. I am praying for people to stop believing Sam is motivated by the same things as Trevor because they have the same sexual orientation or political party. I'm praying for people to stop lumping others into groups based on superficial characteristics. I am praying that people stop perpetuating nonsense, stop returning violence with violence, hate with hate, willful ignorance with willful ignorance. Fear, suspicion, mistrust, prejudice, rage, violence and hatred have brought us to this painful place. I am praying that we will rise above our hurts, our fears and our biases and remember that forgiveness and love are the path to healing and redemption for us all. I am praying we have the strength to forgive and the courage to love.

When it rains...you run an 8K?

Right after I ran the Nashville Color Run with a bunch of girlfriends from Crosspoint Community Church, all of the women who ran were excited about our accomplishment and fun so several of us signed up for the Birmingham Color Run.  And one friend of mine signed up for a local race, an 8K race called the SteepleChase 8K.  I wasn't sure I was ready to run a full 8K.  I'd only just started regularly running 5Ks.
But then I saw it was the day before my birthday.  I figured, if I could run a full 8K the day before my 42nd birthday, that would be cool.  So I agreed to run with Lara.
Between the time I agreed to do the SteepleChase 8K and the time it arrived, I had no time to increase my training to 8 kilometers.  In fact, I'd missed a couple of regular workout runs due to travel challenges.  But I knew I could run 5k and if I power walked the rest, there'd be no shame--just finishing would be a personal win.  Lara had the same mentality--she went in with the idea of just doing it would be personal win.
Well, the night before the race, the bottom fell out of the sky.  Torrential rains fell all night long.  I'd hoped it would clear up by morning but the forecast was not promising.  Lara and I messaged each other and decided rain or shine we'd still go.  At 5am race day, the rain was still pouring.
Now, my usual running partner and I have run in 19 degree windchill, we've run in the pitch black, the fog and even air so thick with pollen it coated our skin and clothes as we ran.  Very little deters our morning workouts when I am in town.  But we always postpone our run for rain.
At 5:30am race day, the rain had not abated.  Lara made a trip to Walmart and picked us up some ponchos.    We both headed to the SteepleChase check in, making pleas to the rain to go away.  When I pulled into the parking lot, no kidding, The Cult's Rain was playing.  The rain was going to be with us for the duration.

So Lara and I donned our sexy ponchos and headed out to the start line.

You can see us in the red ponchos left of center.  Many more people actually registered for the race, but only the serious runners and a hand full of  goobers who didn't know it was totally appropriate to forfeit your registration fee and stay home where it's warm and dry--you know, to take a rain-check.

All the serious runners had the good sense to wear shorts.  When I saw it was 45 degrees and pouring rain, I put my all weather pants (ones I use to wear over ski leggings) over my running shorts.  I wanted to stay as dry as I could. In hindsight, it should have occurred to me that, after nearly 20 years, some the weather proofing might have worn off.  I quickly took on at least five extra pounds of water around my legs as my pants collected water between it's inner and outer layers.  We'll call that a lesson learned.  Lara and I had laughed about the less than aerodynamic aspects of our ponchos, but I'm glad I wore it.  As soaked as I got, it would have been worse without.  But between the water weights and poor aerodynamics, I have prime excuses for my less than impressive time.

Great pace time or not, I finished and in under an hour, which is better than I anticipated.  While I did have to walk some, I ran more than I walked. And best of all, I wasn't even a little sore.  This tells me I didn't push myself --I might actually be able to run a full 8k.  And if I can do that is a 10k too much of a stretch?  I reckon we'll see.

For the moment, I'm feeling really proud that I not only showed up to run in the pouring rain but I crossed the finish line with enough energy to go back down the race route to catch a friend who was behind me so I could accompany her to the end of the race.

We dragged our soaking wet selves inside and ate the offered Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits without shame or remorse.  Mmm, warm chicken biscuits.

The best, most rewarding part of taking part in this race, however, was an exchange on Facebook I had with one of my friends from my days at Agnes Scott College.  I have to preface this by mentioning this woman is an athlete to the core--soccer, softball, running.  So the exchange is all the more meaningful to me.

She called me a "runner."  I'm a runner.  Ha ha.  I'm still giddy about that.  But I am and if I can be a runner, just about anyone can.

Music, Messages and the Magical 5 year old who gets it all.

My girls love music.  They come by it honestly, both my husband and I enjoy music immensely.  And I feed their fondness for music by indulging their requests when they ask for songs to be added to their iPods.  E, my five year old, is the one who most often asks for songs.  My parents supported my eclectic tastes so I try not to judge too harshly when she asks for something I'm sure will make my ears bleed.  And I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE it when she asks for something that I really like.

So when after we watched the Life Vest Inside - Kindness Boomerang video my friend shared on Facebook, she asked for the song on her iPod, I could hardly find it fast enough on iTunes to get it for her (and me).

I left town for a work trip the next day and this morning was the first morning I'd spent with them since putting the song on her iPod.  On the way to school, E say "thank you for putting that song on my iPod."
"Which song?" I asked.
"This one." And she played it.  It's a 'gets me in my tear ducts' song and I cry a little each time it hear it.  It's really beautiful in it's intention--even more beautiful than uplifting video that introduced me to it (I'm sure the song isn't new--I'm not up on current music the way I once was; can't seem to turn my Sirius FM off of First Wave).  E sang along to the parts she's already memorized.  There are a few places where the lyrics run together quickly and she has trouble discerning the words.  She actually thought it might be in Spanish so she asked me to translate.  I told her it wasn't in Spanish but I wasn't sure to which part she was referring.  She reversed the song and replayed the part:
     It's not about win or lose 'cause we all lose
     When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
     Drenched pavement keep on moving'
     Though waters stay ragin'
Frankly, I couldn't repeat the verse exactly so I just explained that it was talking about how we all lose when we don't show love and ignore our responsibilities to each other. And that the song was about how we don't have to be that way.  And E piped up, "like how the construction worker stopped and helped the boy when everyone else just went past and the boy was happy and helped the lady who was afraid she couldn't get across the street fast enough with her bags and then everyone did something nice."
I got all choked up and had to catch my breath before I could reply.  I realize the video is not subtle in its message, but had been nearly a week since the first and only time E had seen it but she remembered all the kindnesses and why they were important.  "Yes, baby, exactly."
She played Matisyahu's One Day, all the way through again and then the next song, a favorite of mine by Live began. "You don't need no friends..." to which E responded "Yes, I do, I need my friends!  I don't like that part of this song, Mommy.  I like the other parts but I do need my friends"
Heaven is another 'gets me in my tear ducts' tune.  It was the song that made me really like the band, Live and ever since I found out I was having my first baby girl, I can hardly hear it without becoming a puddle of goo.  I love the song.  "No, honey, he's not saying you don't need friends, he's just saying that you don't need other people to know God.  People will sometimes tell you that God is one way or another.  Some people will even try to tell you there is no God because they haven't seen God or heard God."
E's response nearly made me need to pull over.  "People who can't see God aren't looking--God isn't really invisible.  God is everywhere and in everything.  And if people can't hear God, it's because they haven't found the quiet place their hearts to listen and hear God speak to them."
This child of mine, who perpetually chooses the path of most resistance when asked to go anywhere, this child who will do exact thing you told her not to do 30 seconds after you told her not to, this five year old little girl, gets it.  She knows what many adults have trouble articulating, even believing.  And these are her words.  I've not drilled this into her.  We do talk about God, but this her own interpretation and her own language.
It makes me happy beyond words that she is processing what she sees and hears and from all the noise that she is inundated with from TV, movies, music and stories, she is taking in the good stuff and putting it all in order.
As a mother, I will fret over lots of things regarding my girls, but I can rest easy knowing my little E's heart is definitely perfectly placed.

How did I get here?

I am 41 years old and I ran my first 5k road race today.  I've participated in several road races--Susan G Komen Race for the Cure 5ks, 2 or 3 times and the Bay to Breakers Road Race (a 12k) 7 times.  But I always walked or power-walked them.  For few of the Bay to Breakers races I actually walked at an average of a 12.30 minute mile. Almost a jog, but not.
Today I ran a full 3 miles straight.  Until this year I had never done that.  Two miles, yes (over 25 years ago), three, not until this year.  In the grand scheme of runners, I don't rate, not even for my age.  And frankly, this was more of a fun run than a real race.  But in the grand scheme of me, it's a  big ding dang deal.
There were a lot of things I had to give up to get here.
I had to give up a lot of previously held ideas.

• that I wasn't made for running
• that weather forecasts are good planning tools
• that it could be too cold to run
• that running was an instant weight loss program
• that exercising is something best done solo

I had to give up some other things too.

• excuses
• sleeping past 5 am regularly
• hating running
• crashing in the afternoons due to lack of energy

But the trade-off has been pretty amazing.  I have gained so much--more than I can list completely but here are a few highlights.

• quality time with a good friend
• realization that I actually can run
• realization that running in the cold is actually exhilarating and actually easier than running in the heat
• a reminder that fitness is as important as losing weight (though weight is slowly and healthily coming off)
• a confirmation that committing to a friend you would never willingly let down is an incredible motivator (I just wouldn't get up at 5 to run in the dark for myself)
• the joy of inspiring my daughter (she got up at 6 AM one morning to run with Pam and me  and wants to run the Color Run in Birmingham)
• the knowledge that very little can get in my way when I'm motivated (we ran in the pitch dark, the rain, the snow, windchills of 19 degrees, took on fearsome hills, and even clingy children).  
• greater alertness and energy, especially on the days that I run
• a tighter bond with my dog (she runs with us when I'm home)
• inspiration and support from others

Pam and I started our Ease into 5K program on January fourth.  We've run almost every other day since--sometimes two days in a row.  We have actually been running 5K or more on our workout runs for the past month.  The Nashville Color Run was the first official 5K road race we have participated in, thus far.  However, I'm already registered for another one next weekend, a lower key event closer to home--Lead Me to the Cross 5K sponsored Mount Zion Baptist Church.  The event proceeds are donated to their neighborhood fire department.  And I've also registered myself and my 5 year old daughter for the Color Run in Birmingham (she has asked to participate and is already excited about it).  

I still feel like my real test of will and spirit will be making it through our crazy hot summer, but I have confidence that we'll do it.  Pam was already mentioning buying gear in preparation for running next winter.  We've got plans, see.  

Teacher of the Year

There's a lot of talk about teachers these days.  Many of my friends are teachers so I know there are really great ones out there (yes, all my friends who teach are awesome at it--not my bias, just my good luck with having fabulous friends).  And many of my friends have had distressing experiences with their children's teachers, so I know there are some who might be better suited for something else.
Today, I'd like to talk about a really great public school teacher.  I think we should celebrate them more often.  I can't imagine the sort of challenge is must be to deal with a class of students with various backgrounds, unknown home lives and distinctive learning styles.  Add to that the general challenge of dealing with any 5 or 6 year old child, much less nearly 20 of them--I am not sure why anyone wants to do it other than they are called.
I learned a little while ago that E's kindergarten teacher was her school's teacher of the year.  I wasn't surprised.  I've seen this teacher in action, she really has a handle on her class while maintaining the sweetest southern disposition you've ever seen.  She doesn't appear to play favorites and her students all appear to adore her.  And she definitely seems to love her work.
E loves her so much she'll sometimes say her teacher's name when she means 'mom' and vice versa.  But E's affection for her may not be all that unique.  E loves learning and has always been fond of her teachers.  Still, I think there's something extra special about Mrs. Dutton.
I have heard great things about all the kindergarten teachers at Walter Jackson Elementary School.  So what is it that makes Mrs. Dutton "Teacher of the Year" caliber?  Well, I believe it's her heart.
She really seems to care deeply about the children in her class.  She's been wonderful about communicating with me about E's good and bad moments in class.  She's not just concerned with her learning but her character development as well--she wants her students to become educated AND good people.  She also has shown she is concerned with each child having a good experience at school--she doesn't want them to feel singled out or left out for anything they cannot help.
I've mentioned on occasion that my E has a peanut allergy.  She's not a the point of severe reactions but we'd like to keep it that way--especially since you often don't know they've reached that point until they do.  So we a careful with what she eats.  E is aware of the risk, asks questions when something is a new food and is very good at accepting when food may not be safe.  Naturally, we informed the school and specifically, told her teacher about this.
Mrs. Dutton has been thoughtful about contacting me if there is any suspect food someone has brought for snack and has even gone so far as to keep a stash of vetted chocolate bars for E to have in lieu of a potentially nutty option.
And today, I got this email from her:
Hello!  E made a 100 on her sight word test!!!  We are going to have ice cream with all the fixings.  Is there a specific type of ice cream she can have and what fixings (caramel, chocolate syrups, cherries, ready whip cream, etc.) can she have.  I can give her skittles and sprinkles if I need to.  I already have that.  I just want to make sure her treat is just as good as the rest!  Thanks so much!!
It's that last bit, "I just want to make sure her treat is just as good as the rest!" that makes Mrs. Dutton so special.  To me, it's the difference between a good teacher and a great teacher.  Putting out that kind of care, attention and love has got to be exhausting.  I am so glad she was recognized for being willing to give that much of herself, for being truly great!

And it doesn't hurt her street cred that this is what my daughter drew for me yesterday:

Pinterest Inspired Valentine's the Busy Mom Way

This month my work has me traveling every week of the month.  And I traveled the last two weeks in January.  So, I'm comfortable saying, I've been a little busy.

Last year my eldest daughter was all over Valentine's Day, wanting to start decorating in the middle of January.  This year, well, between my travel and weekends occupied by Girl Scout cookie sales, there's not much in the way of holiday decor for this minor season.

Still, the girls have school Valentine's parties (E has 2) to attend and needed Valentines to exchange.  And I'd already shown E some homemade Valentine ideas from Pinterest.  We'd already bought supplies.  We had to make them.  So we did.  

With 72 hours between trips, the girls and I made some Valentines.  

 

 E saw this on one of my boards and this had to be made.  I already had the lollipop bags and some card stock.  A fun font and stapler later and we had tasty treats for her classmates.  She especially liked taking part in filling the bags with the Starburst.  Her OCD streak showed a bit when she kept trying to do rows of single colors.  Clearly, I filled this one.
We also had pipe cleaners and Hershey's kisses.  So we made these:

Chocolate bling rings.  With only four other girls in her class, it wasn't a daunting project.
E especially adores her teacher, so she wanted to make something special for her.  Finally, a purpose for the mason jars I've been keeping!  We had Mod Podge and tissue paper.  Even little B got do make one.  This  one was all E's work.  We filled it with Hershey's Milk Chocolate Kisses.

E also has a party at her after school care at La Petite.  More Valentines in order.  This time, I was extra lazy (all of 20 minutes to make 28).  Card stock and we had on hand, another fun font and classic kid Valentine play on words and a different sort of sweet treat.

Last, but not least, B also needed Valentines for her class.  Frankly, I'm the one who wanted to try this.  I bought heart shaped ice cube trays from the bargain aisle at Target ages ago to try it.  Crayon bits in a 275 degree oven for 10 minutes (watch carefully).  E swooned when she saw them--"those are SO beautiful."

Again, card stock and fun font.  I put them each a lollipop bag and stapled them on the front of the card along with a Valentine rainbow fruit roll up on the back (little kids like treats).  

And done!  I didn't even have to stay up past midnight to get it all done.  And considering that the 72 hours I had at home also included a Mardi Gras parade, a chocolate festival and dinner with my parents.  We'll call this a productive and super fun weekend.

Resolution for 2013

I have one primary resolution for 2013 and that is to do more things that will result in me being happy.

This does not mean everything I do will necessarily delight me, but rather I will engage or focus on doing things that will help get me (and my family) to a happy place.  For instance, I am happiest when my house is neat and clean.  This means that even though cleaning does not make me happy, I will need to figure out a better housekeeping schedule and child chore list to help get the house in a place that makes me smile and relax, no matter what room I enter or who has come to the door.  Another example is that, currently, every time I look in the mirror or see a picture of me, I am distressed by the state of my physique (don’t get me started about the number on the scale).  So even though I loathe exercise, I will find time and a plan that I will stick to, make me want to look in the mirror again and, more importantly, be able to easily keep pace with my very active girls.

This resolution isn't meant to be all about doing hard stuff "for the greater good" though.  I love to learn, to make things, to entertain, to volunteer, to read and to write.  This resolution is about making positive changes to how I manage my time to ensure I spend more time doing these things. 

I don’t expect to achieve Nirvana by keeping this resolution.  I don’t even expect to get a perpetually sparkly house out of the deal, but I hope to get closer to a home, a body, mind and spirit that are less stressed and more fun.   And if I can get back into my cute DKNY jeans and sweet BCBG suits while I’m at it, all the better!

On the 12th day of Christmas the blogger gave to thee--bad poetry!

I think that I shall never see
A task annoying like dismantling a tree
I've cut myself and broken things
And I'm beginning to loathe angel wings.
The lights are down and packed away
And may ne'er again see the light of day.
Still, I'll admit it's sad to see
A space once full
Is now empty.